I'm officially sick of being sick. Today's my 5 day off from school because I just can't hack it.
I cried today. At school. I hate it.
Every moment I think I'm doing better, I fall in a hole and it gets worse. I just want to curl up, sleep and cry for an hour, and wake up with everything all better.
It's creepier because, I know HOW I'm sick. This is all familiar. But it's in new strange ways that confuse the hell out of me, and nearly blind-sights me.
I just want continuity and progression. I want to move forward. I want to feel as if I'm accomplishing something.
But no. That has to wait for years.
I'm in a foreign country without a passport and the embassy isn't so worried quite yet. There are more important things for them to do. What am I supposed to do until then?
Curl up, sleep and cry, and hope that when I wake up, everything's all better.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009
10 Things I Love Today.
1. How I managed to push 3 wrong buttons before "New Post". Even though it's a huge and noticable button.
2. When I walk through book stores, and become compelled to write only a million short stories.
3. When shabby, housewifey women walk in to said bookstore, and head for the romance sections; i.e. everyone has their vice.
4. When Chris sings along with the Disco Sirius station.
5. When I laugh so hard, my voice goes squeaky and it gets hard to breath/control my saliva (sounds gross, but it means somethings really funny).
6. When I pattern hunt, see something that I love, and realize I already have that pattern.
7. Marilyn's squealy voice in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. Sooo enjoyable.
8. When Chris and I accidentally develop an inside joke.
9. Chris told someone else that I'm his best friend.
10. That I get to think up more of these fun lists everyday because I have my man. <3
(*Edit. 11. 14 days until my birthday! Two weeks!)
2. When I walk through book stores, and become compelled to write only a million short stories.
3. When shabby, housewifey women walk in to said bookstore, and head for the romance sections; i.e. everyone has their vice.
4. When Chris sings along with the Disco Sirius station.
5. When I laugh so hard, my voice goes squeaky and it gets hard to breath/control my saliva (sounds gross, but it means somethings really funny).
6. When I pattern hunt, see something that I love, and realize I already have that pattern.
7. Marilyn's squealy voice in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. Sooo enjoyable.
8. When Chris and I accidentally develop an inside joke.
9. Chris told someone else that I'm his best friend.
10. That I get to think up more of these fun lists everyday because I have my man. <3
(*Edit. 11. 14 days until my birthday! Two weeks!)
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Well, twist my arm, baby boy.
I stayed home sick today.
I woke up about 11:30. The boys always wake up at like... the dawn of time. Every morning they're here.
So Chris woke up with them.
When I finally got out of bed, I went to say hello to all the men in my living room. The 2 oldest were naturally playing video games, Dad and his Call of Duty 4, Christopher and his Banjo Kazooie. Nickolas was riding around on a monster truck like it was a horse.
"Chelsea!" Nick squealed.
"Yes, Sir Nickolas?" I was oh so groggy.
"Eat breakfast, then give Daddy a big hug and kiss!"
.... Well, if I must, I must. :)
I woke up about 11:30. The boys always wake up at like... the dawn of time. Every morning they're here.
So Chris woke up with them.
When I finally got out of bed, I went to say hello to all the men in my living room. The 2 oldest were naturally playing video games, Dad and his Call of Duty 4, Christopher and his Banjo Kazooie. Nickolas was riding around on a monster truck like it was a horse.
"Chelsea!" Nick squealed.
"Yes, Sir Nickolas?" I was oh so groggy.
"Eat breakfast, then give Daddy a big hug and kiss!"
.... Well, if I must, I must. :)
Friday, April 3, 2009
Nature and/or Nurture
Today the boys and Big Chris came over to my parents for pizza night. (My favorite tradition!) On the way over, Nicky, the three year old, said something along the lines of "Mommy being dead" and "spending more time with Daddy". Big Chris was sure to say that he should love his mom, and shouldn't say mean things about her.
But on my inside, I was doing a little triumph dance. We don't need to persuade the boys to want to be with us, they'll make that decision on their own. They love their dad, and they're most like him (except when they think they can lie to get out of things). They'll just automatically be drawn to us because its in their nature.
BTW, a roommate barged into the living room while the kids were TRYING to fall asleep. His excuse? "I thought they were awake." I asked him what time it was. "Ten thir-- oh." He tip-toed outta here.
That's right people. Past my bedtime, too!
17, almost 16 days until my birthday!!
But on my inside, I was doing a little triumph dance. We don't need to persuade the boys to want to be with us, they'll make that decision on their own. They love their dad, and they're most like him (except when they think they can lie to get out of things). They'll just automatically be drawn to us because its in their nature.
BTW, a roommate barged into the living room while the kids were TRYING to fall asleep. His excuse? "I thought they were awake." I asked him what time it was. "Ten thir-- oh." He tip-toed outta here.
That's right people. Past my bedtime, too!
17, almost 16 days until my birthday!!
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Sweet Genius
I guess it's been long enough to start posting again.
Like a little daydreaming vacation. But who honestly needs a vacation from day dreaming?
Us idealistic people, that's 'ooh.
I wonder what it's like to have a brain defect that keeps you from doing things. Where your brain works fine, but when converting that thought to a word or action, something goes wrong.
I must have some mutated form of that because when I close my eyes, I see this well put-togethered household, everything clean and organized and esthetically pleasing. But when I open my eyes and start moving my hands and thinking of the process to adjust the reality to the imaginary, something always goes awry.
I have two small tables in my dining room, neither strong enough, shaped-well enough, or large enough for any of us to eat at.
I have a big vinyl sectional with TWO reclining sections, and a fold-out bed. But it's bad beige, like dirty grey carpet coloured, and almost half the cushions are torn in half. Not to mention it smells like urine from at least two species.
I share a king sized bed with a big BIG man. (Yay!) But our blanket is only really big enough for just him, or two of me (maybe more like one and a half). But the two of us together ends up being a battle; seeing as he can't sleep on my side, and I not on his. I have a memory foam pillow top (*drool*) and it hurts his back, thus our bed being split straight down the midddle. He gets sweaty but likes being covered, I get cold and cannot sleep with anything over my head; I suffocate.
I know the solutions to these (the solutions that are simply one sentence answers) but the grey area between the problem and the answer is so freakin hard to decifer.
I guess to put it simply, I don't do well with this poor stuff. I'm not saying I'm high maintenence, because I most certainly am not. But when I start thinking that if I skip meals, I'll be less of a burden on my boyfriend financially, it gets scary.
I've thought about taking a large LOA (leave of absence) from school and just work, but I've yet to even get a job. It scares me so bad that it gives me nightmares. I used to dream of monsters or death or even embarrassing moments, but now... now it's the shame of saying "We just couldn't afford life. We couldn't even cover our basic needs. We failed."
I don't give up. I'll kick and scream and cry all the way to the finish line, but damnit I ain't quittin'.
I just hope I don't kick and scream and cry us into the poorhouse or into debt.
When will we finally be humbled enough to find the answer that's been handed to us?
When will we finally realize the help that is available?
How can we be strong and admit defeat before the game is won?
I just wish we had an answer that we can take. Our situation is so awkward, so different that finding the sensible soloution will be tricky.
Maybe one day we will just fall back to our jokes; kidnap the kids, change our names and run away to Canada.
I like the snow.
Like a little daydreaming vacation. But who honestly needs a vacation from day dreaming?
Us idealistic people, that's 'ooh.
I wonder what it's like to have a brain defect that keeps you from doing things. Where your brain works fine, but when converting that thought to a word or action, something goes wrong.
I must have some mutated form of that because when I close my eyes, I see this well put-togethered household, everything clean and organized and esthetically pleasing. But when I open my eyes and start moving my hands and thinking of the process to adjust the reality to the imaginary, something always goes awry.
I have two small tables in my dining room, neither strong enough, shaped-well enough, or large enough for any of us to eat at.
I have a big vinyl sectional with TWO reclining sections, and a fold-out bed. But it's bad beige, like dirty grey carpet coloured, and almost half the cushions are torn in half. Not to mention it smells like urine from at least two species.
I share a king sized bed with a big BIG man. (Yay!) But our blanket is only really big enough for just him, or two of me (maybe more like one and a half). But the two of us together ends up being a battle; seeing as he can't sleep on my side, and I not on his. I have a memory foam pillow top (*drool*) and it hurts his back, thus our bed being split straight down the midddle. He gets sweaty but likes being covered, I get cold and cannot sleep with anything over my head; I suffocate.
I know the solutions to these (the solutions that are simply one sentence answers) but the grey area between the problem and the answer is so freakin hard to decifer.
I guess to put it simply, I don't do well with this poor stuff. I'm not saying I'm high maintenence, because I most certainly am not. But when I start thinking that if I skip meals, I'll be less of a burden on my boyfriend financially, it gets scary.
I've thought about taking a large LOA (leave of absence) from school and just work, but I've yet to even get a job. It scares me so bad that it gives me nightmares. I used to dream of monsters or death or even embarrassing moments, but now... now it's the shame of saying "We just couldn't afford life. We couldn't even cover our basic needs. We failed."
I don't give up. I'll kick and scream and cry all the way to the finish line, but damnit I ain't quittin'.
I just hope I don't kick and scream and cry us into the poorhouse or into debt.
When will we finally be humbled enough to find the answer that's been handed to us?
When will we finally realize the help that is available?
How can we be strong and admit defeat before the game is won?
I just wish we had an answer that we can take. Our situation is so awkward, so different that finding the sensible soloution will be tricky.
Maybe one day we will just fall back to our jokes; kidnap the kids, change our names and run away to Canada.
I like the snow.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Mu-ah-ah-ah
I win.
Nicky, the three year old, loves shopping online with me.
For furniture. For our home... when we buy one.
*Insert evil laugh here*
Nicky, the three year old, loves shopping online with me.
For furniture. For our home... when we buy one.
*Insert evil laugh here*
Sunday, February 1, 2009
So angry I'm about to POP!
Chris's ex is moving this weekend. To be closer to her family. The got the boys new beds. Either she or her "fiance" drives an Infiniti. They get to make any and all decisions when it comes to the boys, and I doubt either of them even have a clue what they're doing.
Meanwhile we're $200 behind on rent, living in Mesa when our families live in Gilbert. I drive a car whom I need to beg to stay running somedays. We live with people who's last names we don't even know, and we're supposed to sleep soundly at night.
HOW IS THIS FAIR!!???
Meanwhile we're $200 behind on rent, living in Mesa when our families live in Gilbert. I drive a car whom I need to beg to stay running somedays. We live with people who's last names we don't even know, and we're supposed to sleep soundly at night.
HOW IS THIS FAIR!!???
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