I guess it's been long enough to start posting again.
Like a little daydreaming vacation. But who honestly needs a vacation from day dreaming?
Us idealistic people, that's 'ooh.
I wonder what it's like to have a brain defect that keeps you from doing things. Where your brain works fine, but when converting that thought to a word or action, something goes wrong.
I must have some mutated form of that because when I close my eyes, I see this well put-togethered household, everything clean and organized and esthetically pleasing. But when I open my eyes and start moving my hands and thinking of the process to adjust the reality to the imaginary, something always goes awry.
I have two small tables in my dining room, neither strong enough, shaped-well enough, or large enough for any of us to eat at.
I have a big vinyl sectional with TWO reclining sections, and a fold-out bed. But it's bad beige, like dirty grey carpet coloured, and almost half the cushions are torn in half. Not to mention it smells like urine from at least two species.
I share a king sized bed with a big BIG man. (Yay!) But our blanket is only really big enough for just him, or two of me (maybe more like one and a half). But the two of us together ends up being a battle; seeing as he can't sleep on my side, and I not on his. I have a memory foam pillow top (*drool*) and it hurts his back, thus our bed being split straight down the midddle. He gets sweaty but likes being covered, I get cold and cannot sleep with anything over my head; I suffocate.
I know the solutions to these (the solutions that are simply one sentence answers) but the grey area between the problem and the answer is so freakin hard to decifer.
I guess to put it simply, I don't do well with this poor stuff. I'm not saying I'm high maintenence, because I most certainly am not. But when I start thinking that if I skip meals, I'll be less of a burden on my boyfriend financially, it gets scary.
I've thought about taking a large LOA (leave of absence) from school and just work, but I've yet to even get a job. It scares me so bad that it gives me nightmares. I used to dream of monsters or death or even embarrassing moments, but now... now it's the shame of saying "We just couldn't afford life. We couldn't even cover our basic needs. We failed."
I don't give up. I'll kick and scream and cry all the way to the finish line, but damnit I ain't quittin'.
I just hope I don't kick and scream and cry us into the poorhouse or into debt.
When will we finally be humbled enough to find the answer that's been handed to us?
When will we finally realize the help that is available?
How can we be strong and admit defeat before the game is won?
I just wish we had an answer that we can take. Our situation is so awkward, so different that finding the sensible soloution will be tricky.
Maybe one day we will just fall back to our jokes; kidnap the kids, change our names and run away to Canada.
I like the snow.
